I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
