mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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