Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize