There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
