I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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