I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize