It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
