my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
