You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
