i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
