this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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