recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
