Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
