We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
two words: eviction party
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
