I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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