Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
from now on my penis is your penis
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
