What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
