apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
