Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My vagina just clenched in fear
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
