I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
