you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
