I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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