I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
