You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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