Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
