Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
