I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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