Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
