We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
