she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
