Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
