I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize