You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
