I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i've created a new STD.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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