I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
