woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize