THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So many bounce houses so little time
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
