i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
