Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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