Swine flu. Run for my life!
I could make wine with my vomit
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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