I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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