is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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