think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
