Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
