After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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