I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
