My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just had sex on a roof
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
