I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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