True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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