I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
