He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
