i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
