My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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