it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
