My liver just broke up with me...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
