god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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