i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Did I show you my penis last night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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