Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
being pregnant is like rehab
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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