I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize