You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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