So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
