I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
