also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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