Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
