There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
