U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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