hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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