Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
