Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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