I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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