We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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