He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
