After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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